Setting : Ventura, California.
Author: Me
I'm staring at my bunk's ceiling. It's dark and boring. I wonder what Whak is dreaming about up there. He doesn't make any move or sound. He must be so tired and exhausted to death.
Tomorrow is our 7th day of Warped Tour. It has been so intense and we have been working our fingers to the bones, it's harder than we thought. We can't stand anymore heat, our skins are burnt badly. My throat is sore and it's really bad.
We're on a 10 hours drive to the next venue, and I still got plenty of time to sleep so I decide that I'll stay awake tonight.
I'm thinking about my boyfriend, Matt back at my hometown, Sydney. It's getting clear that our relationship has no future. I need to end it as soon as possible because it's not healthy anymore. But I'm going to feel really bad, I love him, no, I used to. Suddenly I feel nauseous thinking about him. I need to talk to someone so I can feel better.
So I get out of my bunk. Open Whak's bunk curtain, climb the ladder and sit on the edge of the bed. I shake his body to wake him up. He rolls to his side, facing me and opens his eyes.
"What, Jen?", he says quietly. His face is red, yes, sunburn it is.
"I just can't sleep. I need to talk to somebody," I say.
He rolls to his back, laying casually and examines my face. "What do you want to talk about?".
I sigh. "Well, anything."
He yawns and stretches his back. "Okay, anything. So, what?".
I shrug. "We have a lot to talk about."
He moves slightly to the wall, leaving a little space on the bed. "Come here. We can talk all night long. I'm not feeling really good. Just lay here."
I turn my body, lean backward and lay by his side. The bed feels warm. Wait. No. It's hot. Unnaturally hot. I touch his forehead. Yes, he's got a fever.
"Whak, you're hot," I say.
"Thanks, Jen," he says.
I giggle. "No. I mean, you've got a fever."
He caresses his own forehead. "Damn, I'm screwed."
I get up on one elbow. "I'm going to get you some pills. "
"No, I'm okay. We can just talk until the fever is gone, " he insists. "Come on. Just talk to me."
I pull the blanket on the edge of the bed over his body and lay back down. "I think you need some sleep. It's just not the right time to talk. But I'll just stay here, if you don't mind."
He nods. "That will be nice."
I lay beside him all night long, watching him sleep through a bad fever. His face is burnt, red as hell, his hair is greasy from sweat. I check his temperature, it's hot enough to boil an egg. I'm getting worried about him. I roll to my side, scrutinizing his face. He looks like he's having some kind of bad dream. I run my hand through his hair, hope that it will help.
"What are you dreaming about, mate?", I whisper.
No answer, indeed.
I slip into the blanket. It's hot as fuck. I place my head on his shoulder and drive to sleep.
I slip into the blanket. It's hot as fuck. I place my head on his shoulder and drive to sleep.
It's early dawn, I open my eyes. Whak is still deep in his sleep, his body is stiff as steel. I check his temperature once again, he's getting worse.
I know that I need to tell Ben about this. I get out of Whak's bunk and walk silently to Ben's.
"Ben, Ben, wake up!", I shake his body.
Ben opens his eyes and stares at me with astonishment ."What on earth is happening, Jen?".
"Whak is sick. You have to check him up," I say.
Ben frowns, "What? Sick? How on earth do you know?".
"C'moan, Ben. Prove it your self!", I pull his hand.
He rolls to the floor recklessly and gets up, walks to Whak's bunk, climbs the ladder and dissapears behind the curtain. I can hear Ben is waking him. And Whak is apparently awake now. I can hear he shouts my name in an annoyed tone, but he finds out it is Ben.
Ben climbs down the ladder and turns to me with a worried face.
"He's absolutely sick," he says.
"See? Now what can we do about that?" I say.
"I'm going to ask the driver how many hours left until we arrive. You better find some fever pills in the first aid box in the pantry", he orders.
I nod firmly ."All right."
I go straight to the pantry. Checking every cabinets. I find the first aid kit. But there's no fever pills there. Only some bandages and a betadine bottle. I give up. I grab a napkin, soak it in water and climb back to Whak's bunk.
His eyes half open. I smile to him. Try to hide any kind of expression that would show him that I'm worried. I fold the napkin and put it on his forehead.
"How do you feel, mate?", I say quietly.
"On fire, haha" he giggles under his breath.
"You better get back to sleep," I say.
"I'm trying to. And so do you."
I exhales. "Yeah. Just scream or throw something when you need me or hungry or want to vomit and stuffs."
He giggles. "All right."
***
The sun is up. It's burning and can't compromise. I slap some sunscreen to minimize the sunburn damage on my skin. Whak is sitting next to me on an amplifier case, limp, weak, insecure. The air fan in our backstage container is not enough to reduce the heat that comes from outside. Whak's face is red as a boiled lobster. The paramedics have given him some medicine but nothing happens.
I slap some sunscreen all over his face, arms and neck. Sunburn will kill him and definitely will make his pain even worse.
"You sure you wanna play today?", I know that this is such a rethorical question.
"Positive," he says briefly.
"Why?", I frown. Spreading some suncreen on his eyebrow.
"It's my responsibility," he says.
I sigh in despair. "Ok but don't you need some more sleep, rest or something?".
"No, I'll just sit here."
"With this heat, in this stinky trailer?", I say.
"Yes."
And yes. We sit side by side. Looking at people come and go. The rest of the boys are playing freesbee outside with some other band members and crew. I really want to join them but I can't leave Whak. Sweats running down his face. His whole body is unsteady and shaky. One push and he'll fall. I can't let him stay here without rest.
I stand up with arms folded on my chest. "Boy, you need to rest!". I grab his arm and help him to stand up. "Come on."
I walk him to our bus. We still got 4 hours left before our set. Maybe he can sleep 2 hours and that's enough.
We climb back into our bus. I let him sleep in my bunk. It's impossible for him to climb the ladder to his bunk without falling or slipping or collide his head to the ceiling. I pull the blanket over his chest and settling beside him on my elbow.
"Sleep", I say soothingly.
"Sing me something. Twinkle twinkle. Anything," he begs. His voice is rasp and weak. It's not his normal voice.
He's not okay. He's absolutely not okay. It's not a mild fever. The bed under us is getting warmer and warmer. Combined with the heat from outside, it's hot and really uncomfortable for me.
I sing him to sleep. His head is resting on my pillow. Soundly and safe. He reminds me of my dog. And I know from the deepest part of my heart, I really want to protect him from harm, from bitches and heartbreak, and in this present case, illness and pain. I just don't know how. And I feel useless now.
I place my head on his chest. Listening to his heartbeat. And I know that he can't make it to perform today. It's only gonna worsen his condition. I need to figure something out. I need to find a way how we can play without him, which seems merely impossible.
I leave him alone in the bus. I walk fast paced to the edge of the back stage arena. Leaning to the black iron barricade. I stand there to think for a while. I stare at the busy crews, walking around, carrying stuffs from place to place. They look tired but they conceal it with smiles, throwing jokes to each other and laugh. It's amazing. For a minute I forget my problems.
Suddenly someone pokes my arm. I turn my head constantly. Yeah, it's Jeff.
"Hey, Jen," he says.
I smile half-hearted. "Hey, Jeff".
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Thinking," I say.
"About what?", he continues.
I sigh. "I don't know if I'm aloud to tell you this."
He looks me in the eyes. "What's happening?"
"Well, my guitarist, Whakaio, is sick. He tries to convince me that he can play today, but I know he can't. I'm trying to figure outhow we can play without him... which is impossible," I explain.
"Woah, that's terrible.. Let me think," he says.
We stand in silence for a while.I know that this is just a waste of time. There's no way we can play without Whak.
"Well I know how," he says breaking the silence.
"How?", I snap in excitement.
He smirks. "We can ask Chris to fill his part. He's a fast learner, you should give him a try."
I frown. "Wow that's kinda surprising."
"So?"
I think for a while. "Well.." I pause. "We can try."
We walk to I Call Fives' backstage container. Chris greets me with a bright smile. I smile back, but with a little crumples between my brows. The idea of involving other band's member in our set makes no sense in normal circumstances. But, now, I think it's the only way we can play.
"Woah! It's Jenna McDougall again! Hey!", he shouts cheerfully.
"What's up dude!", I shout back.
"Chris we need to talk for a sec dude," suddenly Jeffs says from behind my back. Taking Chris to the further side of the trailer.
I'm left alone for awhile. The rest of the I Call Fives' members smile to me, I smile back at them.
Jeff and Chris come back after a few minutes with inexplicable expressions on their face. My hands hold each other tightly. Waiting for them to speak.
Chris shrugs. "I don't know man..."
I shrug back. "That's okay," disappointment runs through my chest.
But then I see Chris chuckles. "Okay let's go," he says.
"What?", I say.
He chuckles even louder. "Let's go I'll play with you. You have to show me how to play your songs."
I stare at him with astonishment. My tongue numbs. "Wha-"
Jeff laughs. "He agreed to help you out. But you have to kiss him in return."
I'm bursting with laugh. "You don't say!".
Chris's face turns pink. "Okay just forget that. Let's go. You want me or not?".
I try to make the sweetest smile on my face. "Yes, I want you." And then I can't help my self laughing for a moment. "Well, I'm going back to my trailer to tell the other guys. See ya Chris," I say.
I leave I Call Five's backstage container feeling worry. I should've told the boys first before asking Chris for help. I'm a bummer.
Back at my backstage trailer, I call the boys to deliberate. At least if in the end Whak will be mad, I'm not the only one that responsible for the decision.
"What, Jen? Where's Whak?", Cam says.
I put on a worried face. "He's sick. He's sleeping in the bus."
"Owh that's not good," Matty says.
"Yeah. He's got a bad fever. Really really bad. He's really really not okay," I say. "Eh, guys. I need to talk something up with you all.... and Ben. Where's Ben?".
Cam leaves to get Ben. He comes back after few minutes with him. Now everyone is here. I take a deep breathe and try to collect all the words in my head and make a good clear sentence to come up with.
"I don't think Whak will make it to play today," I say. I close my eyes and hold my breathe. Waiting for their response.
But I hear nothing. They stay silence, frowning with their eyes glancing at each other.
"You can check his condition your self. I'm worried, if he play today, we might loose him for couple days ahead," I say.
Everybody nods. Understanding the situation.
"But we can't play without a lead guitarist. It's gonna be as bad as if we play without you. I can play his part but, whose gonna take my part?" Jake says.
I nod. "Yes, I know. But I've been considering it for awhile guys, before I talk this up with you. And, I think we can play without him."
I hear the boys are murmuring disagreements to each other. They look at me in disbelief.
"We can't, Jen. Don't be silly," snaps Cam.
I shake my head. "I know somebody who can help us out, to fill the unintended guitar parts."
I can hear everybody's saying "What?"
"Chris from I Call fives agreed to help us. I've talked to him earlier. I'm sorry guys, but this idea just came out that way," I say pleadingly.
Silence again. I know they're stunned in a state between shocked and disappointed because of me knowing this earlier than them and because I've figured out something to work out with without deliberate with them first. I feel bad about that. But regardless of everything, we have to play in less than 4 hours and a decision has to be made save this bad and unlikely situation, now or never.
"Guys?", I say.
Cam clears his throat. "Well, Jen. That's crazy. But if you're sure that's gonna work, I'm okay," he says.
"Aye. Me too. But I need to meet him as soon as possible, because guitar pairing needs chemistry and that's something that won't happen in an hour," Jake says.
I turn to Matty. "Matty, how about you?"
He nods. "If the rest of the guys agree, I agree".
"And you, Ben?", I raise an eyebrow.
Ben nods without expression. I know that all decisions depend on us, not him. So, he has to agree on everything we've decided.
I smile. There's a little relieve in my chest. "Thanks God. All right. I'm taking Chris here."
I walk back to I Call Fives' backstage trailer. I call Chris. He walks to my way with a big great smile.
"So? The guys okay?", he says.
I laugh. "Yes. Come with me."
I lead Chris to my band's backstage container. I don't know why but I'm sure he's blushing. It's kinda awkward but he's just so cute and I can't help smiling.
"Don't take Jeff's words about the kiss earlier seriously. He was just goofing around," suddenly Chris says.
I giggle. "Haha, I know dude."
Chris is so adorable and so friendly. I know that the guys will like him. I like him. We can be friends if we keep our selves in touch after all of these Warped tour matters ended.
"Guys, say hi to Chris," I say whilst entering the trailer.
The boys turns to me. Chris waves to them
"Woaah. G'day mate!", says Matty enthusiastically.
"Come in, mate," adds Cam.
Chris mingles with the boys easily. It's been only five minutes and they're laughing already. He practices some guitar parts with Jake. And they go along well. In normal circumstances, they can be friends.
***
It's 20 minutes before the show already. I'm getting too nervous as usual and Whak's not here, he's the one that always calms me down by giving me a "seriously?" look or just a simple nod. He's like my smile machine, my battery, I can't work well without him. I hold Cam's hand to ease the nerves. At least I still have the rest of the boys to calm me down.
Ben calls us to the stage. As always he checks our attendants, orders us to make a circle and gives us motivating statements. Awkwardly, Chris gets into the tiny circle and listens to Ben's words like we usually do. I smile discreetly.
And then here' we go. We spring out of the backstage, the crowd's screaming wildly. And Whak's not here to give me that nod that signs me to start the show. I hold the mic, my hands tremble. I reach my voice and shout.
"Hello guys! We're Tonight Alive from Sydney, Australia!".
***
The show went well. Chris played unbelievably good, some numbers of mistakes , but that was okay. Jake covered them with his lead parts. And the crowd likes them.
"That was sick, Chris!", says Jake on our way to the parking lot.
Chris laughs. "I don't know, dude. I made couples of mistakes."
"No, you killed it, mate. We can play together again someday," Jake says.
"Yes, of course. You have to hang with the rest of us sometime," Chris says brightly.
We arrive at the parking lot. The boys go straight to our bus. I decide to visit Jeff first at the I Call Fives' bus. I need to thank him as much as I can. Chris leads my way to his bus.
As we enter the I Call Fives' bus, Jeff appears from the bunks aisle. He sees me and walks to my way with a concerned look. I shake my head and smile to give him a sign that the show went well.
Jeff grabs my shoulders, "I'd kill my self if the show went bad!".
I look at him with a startled face. " Woah. Easy dude. It was awsooome! Your mate is a sick guitarist!", I say hysterically.
He pull his hands off me. Give me a weird look, exhales and smiles. I smile back.
"Dude, it was amazing! I have to thank you thousand times! No! I have to pay!", I say.
He shakes his head. "Pay me what?".
"Whatever you want!", I snap.
He laughs. "I'll think about that later then."
"Hurry up! I don't want to owe. I hate debts!", I say.
"Wow, slow down! You don't owe me, Jen!", he says.
Suddenly, I remember that Chris is still standing there behind me. I turn to him and laugh.
"And I owe you a kiss, dude," I say. I lean forward and kiss his cheek lightly and fast.
Chris blushing, and now the blush is more distinct that how it was before. I giggle.
***
Whak is still deep in his sleep, I'm sitting beside him on the bed. I stroke his hair with both of my hands, messing up with it a little bit and laugh. I miss his long hair. He used to be an emo guy, with long straightened hair and a lip ring, and of course, no mustache. Haha. He was just a dorky seventeen years old the first time I met him. I just can't forget that day.
Cam introduced me to him. I remember our first ever hand shake. I smiled to him nervously, but he didn't smile back. I didn't know what was wrong with him that moment, but then I found out he just don't like to smile if he's not ought to. And then he said that he had listened to my voice through the record that I had sent to him earlier and he liked it, he agreed that I can join his dorky band, haha. And he asked me whether he can listen to some other songs I have, and of course I said yes. I was so excited. I played my raw songs in front of him, he filled the hollow parts instantly. He was so good at guitar and piano. He fixed some messy parts from my songs and enrolled me to some local expo days, I rejected it, I just didn't want to play the songs that he helped work with alone. And he agreed to perform with me.
And there were hard days. When finally I decided to dropped out of school one year earlier to start to take my career in music seriously, he helped me talk with my parents, even when I couldn't stand it anymore to stay in my house with my raging parents, Whak picked me up with his skateboard and allowed me to stay in his place for couple of days until everything between me and my parents has cooled down. I cried on his pillow that night, he begged me to stop, and then he played me some dorky joke songs on his guitar, I couldn't help laughing and stopped crying. And that night I saw him smile for the very first time.
And now I look at his face. He looks so tired and uncomfortable. I wish I can do magic and cure him.
The day is old, but Warped Tour is still busy with all of the noise outside. Suddenly I feel kinda sleepy and tired. The bunks are empty, it means that the rest of the boys are hanging in the back lounge. Maybe it's gonna be fine if I just curl up here beside Whak. Drive away to sleep and share his bad dreams. But Whak moves slightly under his blanket and there he opens his eyes.
"Hi, dude. Feel better?", I smile lightly.
He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands, trying to collect consciousness. "Eh, I don't know," he says. He looks around the room and figures out that it's evening already from the sight from the pantry window. "Wait..., what time is it?".
"What?", all of a sudden something pops in my head.
"Jenna, did you?", he says.
I'm afraid now. "Did I what?".
He frowns, takes a glance once again to the pantry window. "Did you guys play without me?", he asks with suspicion. "Jenna!", he snaps high-toned. He throws his blanket to the floor and pushed me out of the bunk and jumps to the aisle.
"Whak, wait!", I squeak. "It was for your good! Whak, listen!".
He walks to the back lounge, stomping his legs hardly to the floor. He opens the lounge curtain abruptly. "Did you morons play without me?!", he shouts.
Everybody's startled and stay out of words. I jump to him and grab his arm. He's still got fever.
"Whak! Listen!", I say.
He turns his head to me. " What Jen? What the fuck is happening here! How could you do this to me? How? New guitarist? How?! Tell me!", he shouts.
I look at Jake through Whak's shoulder. Jake shakes his head. It's only gonna worsen this situation if I tell Whak about Chris. I just can't lie. Should I lie to my own best friend?
"Speak, Jen!", he shout even louder, I can hear rage in his tone.
My body is trembling out of fear. Well, it's not fear, it's something else I can't define. "Well, Whak.."
"Yes? Somebody took my place, right? RIGHT?! How can you guys?! I thought that we're agreed that we won't leave anyone behind! Why?!", he shouts to the boys, it's something he's never done before.
It's not right. The boys aren't guilty. "Whak! It was me! I'm the one who made the whole plan and decision!".
He looks into my eyes with rage. "Fuck, Jenna! Fuck you!", he swears.
I am shocked. He has never said that thing right to my face before. And I thought he won't, forever. My eyes are burning. I'm ready to cry.
"How could you? You make me feel useless! How could you!", he shouts again, again and again. His voice breaks into rasp harsh bray. He controls his breath. Looks down to the floor and says, "I think I'll just go."
"No! I'll go!", I say. Before he could make any move, I walk away and get out of the bus.
I can't hold back my tears any longer. I cry my lungs out. I cover my face with both of my hands and walk wobbly to the iron barricade in the end of the parking lot. I don't know where to go. The last band of today is playing. In less than 2 hours we have to leave to the next city on a 3 days drive. But I know there's no way I can go back to the bus.
Maybe this is it. Maybe I should go.
I can see a golf cart slowly entering the parking lot. And guess what, it carries I Call Fives's band members and crews. It carries Jeff and Chis. I stare at them for a second, but Jeff coincidentally catches my eyes. NO!
I turn my head, cover my face. Jeff walks approaching me . No. He can't. He can't see me like this. He touches my shoulder. I freeze.
"Hey, Jen. Hey, why are you outside?", he says.
I refuse to speak, I refuse to face him. I shake my head with my back against him.
"Jen? You alright? Hey! Why do you cover your face? Hey look at me," he says anxiously.
My tears run down my face. My body is shaking. All I need now is a shoulder to cry.
"Jen?", he says. He gently grabs my shoulders and turns my body facing him. He pulls both of my hands off of my face.
I lock my eyes to the ground. Avoiding his gaze.
"You alright, Jen?", he asks. Weeps my wet cheeks and puts on a concerned look.
I nod. "Yes."
"No, you're not," he pushes my chin up.
I look into his eyes hesitantly. "I'm alright, dude."
He frowns. "Well, I'll walk you to your bus."
"NO!", I scream frantically.
"Why?!", he says.
I shake my head. "Just no." My tears coming out again.
"You're crying, Jen? Hey, look at me," he says. Pushes a strand of my hair out of my eyes.
Yes. I'm crying, harder than ever. The thoughts of loosing Whak forever is killing me, slicing my guts, I'm breathless. I try so hard not to make any sound. I'm squeaking like a choked rat.
"Come here." He spreads his arms and embraces me gently. Pats my back to calm my down.
I push my face against his chest. Soaking his shirt with my never ending tears. Trembling, quivering. Wet from tears and sweats. I'm a mess. I really don't want him to see me like this. But all I need now is a friend. I'm grateful I have him now. I don't know what will possibly happen if I've never met him, or even got to know him.
He holds me tighter. And what funny is, I feel comfortable. He should be still a stranger to me, but I don't feel like it now. I find warmth in him. Warmth that reminds me of Whak. Oh no, Whak.
"Let's go. You can stay in our bus," he says.
I nod. He holds my hand and walk me to his bus.
Everybody stuns when they see me entering their bus with my chin down and my back hunched, looking desperate and sad. My face is red and my eyes are puffy. Jeff embraces his arm around my shoulder so I can hide my face. We walk to the back lounge. Everyone stays in silence.
I sit down on the back lounge couch while he's closing the curtain. He sits by my side and gives me a clean napkin to weep my tears.
"Now, tell me," he says, looking into my eyes intensely.
I take a deep breath. I'm not sure if I have to tell him the whole situation that is happening. But, I think he's a trustworthy and it's gonna be just fine. "Whak is mad at me."
He sighs hardly. "Mad at you?"
I nod. "He's angry. Furious. I've never seen him like that before."
"Now way!", he says.
"Yes!", I insist.
"No. It's my fault, no. I should talk to him," he says, sets himself ready to stand up and leave to meet Whak in the bus.
I grab his hand. "No, Jeff. You tried to help. No."
He sighs again. Give me a sorry look. No, he shouldn't be sorry for anything. He tried to help and that's it. Whak is just disappointed and it's all my fault. I made him feel useless, which does make no sense to me. Why should he feel useless? He deserves a rest, and he's terribly sick!
I spend the night talking to Jeff. He tries so hard to make me laugh. But I'm just too depressed to laugh. I end up tired and fall to the couch, my head on his lap. He pats my hair to sleep.
I don't know if it's right to say that... in this terrible situation... he makes me feel.. safe and sound.
Ben opens his eyes and stares at me with astonishment ."What on earth is happening, Jen?".
"Whak is sick. You have to check him up," I say.
Ben frowns, "What? Sick? How on earth do you know?".
"C'moan, Ben. Prove it your self!", I pull his hand.
He rolls to the floor recklessly and gets up, walks to Whak's bunk, climbs the ladder and dissapears behind the curtain. I can hear Ben is waking him. And Whak is apparently awake now. I can hear he shouts my name in an annoyed tone, but he finds out it is Ben.
Ben climbs down the ladder and turns to me with a worried face.
"He's absolutely sick," he says.
"See? Now what can we do about that?" I say.
"I'm going to ask the driver how many hours left until we arrive. You better find some fever pills in the first aid box in the pantry", he orders.
I nod firmly ."All right."
I go straight to the pantry. Checking every cabinets. I find the first aid kit. But there's no fever pills there. Only some bandages and a betadine bottle. I give up. I grab a napkin, soak it in water and climb back to Whak's bunk.
His eyes half open. I smile to him. Try to hide any kind of expression that would show him that I'm worried. I fold the napkin and put it on his forehead.
"How do you feel, mate?", I say quietly.
"On fire, haha" he giggles under his breath.
"You better get back to sleep," I say.
"I'm trying to. And so do you."
I exhales. "Yeah. Just scream or throw something when you need me or hungry or want to vomit and stuffs."
He giggles. "All right."
***
The sun is up. It's burning and can't compromise. I slap some sunscreen to minimize the sunburn damage on my skin. Whak is sitting next to me on an amplifier case, limp, weak, insecure. The air fan in our backstage container is not enough to reduce the heat that comes from outside. Whak's face is red as a boiled lobster. The paramedics have given him some medicine but nothing happens.
I slap some sunscreen all over his face, arms and neck. Sunburn will kill him and definitely will make his pain even worse.
"You sure you wanna play today?", I know that this is such a rethorical question.
"Positive," he says briefly.
"Why?", I frown. Spreading some suncreen on his eyebrow.
"It's my responsibility," he says.
I sigh in despair. "Ok but don't you need some more sleep, rest or something?".
"No, I'll just sit here."
"With this heat, in this stinky trailer?", I say.
"Yes."
And yes. We sit side by side. Looking at people come and go. The rest of the boys are playing freesbee outside with some other band members and crew. I really want to join them but I can't leave Whak. Sweats running down his face. His whole body is unsteady and shaky. One push and he'll fall. I can't let him stay here without rest.
I stand up with arms folded on my chest. "Boy, you need to rest!". I grab his arm and help him to stand up. "Come on."
I walk him to our bus. We still got 4 hours left before our set. Maybe he can sleep 2 hours and that's enough.
We climb back into our bus. I let him sleep in my bunk. It's impossible for him to climb the ladder to his bunk without falling or slipping or collide his head to the ceiling. I pull the blanket over his chest and settling beside him on my elbow.
"Sleep", I say soothingly.
"Sing me something. Twinkle twinkle. Anything," he begs. His voice is rasp and weak. It's not his normal voice.
He's not okay. He's absolutely not okay. It's not a mild fever. The bed under us is getting warmer and warmer. Combined with the heat from outside, it's hot and really uncomfortable for me.
I sing him to sleep. His head is resting on my pillow. Soundly and safe. He reminds me of my dog. And I know from the deepest part of my heart, I really want to protect him from harm, from bitches and heartbreak, and in this present case, illness and pain. I just don't know how. And I feel useless now.
I place my head on his chest. Listening to his heartbeat. And I know that he can't make it to perform today. It's only gonna worsen his condition. I need to figure something out. I need to find a way how we can play without him, which seems merely impossible.
I leave him alone in the bus. I walk fast paced to the edge of the back stage arena. Leaning to the black iron barricade. I stand there to think for a while. I stare at the busy crews, walking around, carrying stuffs from place to place. They look tired but they conceal it with smiles, throwing jokes to each other and laugh. It's amazing. For a minute I forget my problems.
Suddenly someone pokes my arm. I turn my head constantly. Yeah, it's Jeff.
"Hey, Jen," he says.
I smile half-hearted. "Hey, Jeff".
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Thinking," I say.
"About what?", he continues.
I sigh. "I don't know if I'm aloud to tell you this."
He looks me in the eyes. "What's happening?"
"Well, my guitarist, Whakaio, is sick. He tries to convince me that he can play today, but I know he can't. I'm trying to figure outhow we can play without him... which is impossible," I explain.
"Woah, that's terrible.. Let me think," he says.
We stand in silence for a while.I know that this is just a waste of time. There's no way we can play without Whak.
"Well I know how," he says breaking the silence.
"How?", I snap in excitement.
He smirks. "We can ask Chris to fill his part. He's a fast learner, you should give him a try."
I frown. "Wow that's kinda surprising."
"So?"
I think for a while. "Well.." I pause. "We can try."
We walk to I Call Fives' backstage container. Chris greets me with a bright smile. I smile back, but with a little crumples between my brows. The idea of involving other band's member in our set makes no sense in normal circumstances. But, now, I think it's the only way we can play.
"Woah! It's Jenna McDougall again! Hey!", he shouts cheerfully.
"What's up dude!", I shout back.
"Chris we need to talk for a sec dude," suddenly Jeffs says from behind my back. Taking Chris to the further side of the trailer.
I'm left alone for awhile. The rest of the I Call Fives' members smile to me, I smile back at them.
Jeff and Chris come back after a few minutes with inexplicable expressions on their face. My hands hold each other tightly. Waiting for them to speak.
Chris shrugs. "I don't know man..."
I shrug back. "That's okay," disappointment runs through my chest.
But then I see Chris chuckles. "Okay let's go," he says.
"What?", I say.
He chuckles even louder. "Let's go I'll play with you. You have to show me how to play your songs."
I stare at him with astonishment. My tongue numbs. "Wha-"
Jeff laughs. "He agreed to help you out. But you have to kiss him in return."
I'm bursting with laugh. "You don't say!".
Chris's face turns pink. "Okay just forget that. Let's go. You want me or not?".
I try to make the sweetest smile on my face. "Yes, I want you." And then I can't help my self laughing for a moment. "Well, I'm going back to my trailer to tell the other guys. See ya Chris," I say.
I leave I Call Five's backstage container feeling worry. I should've told the boys first before asking Chris for help. I'm a bummer.
Back at my backstage trailer, I call the boys to deliberate. At least if in the end Whak will be mad, I'm not the only one that responsible for the decision.
"What, Jen? Where's Whak?", Cam says.
I put on a worried face. "He's sick. He's sleeping in the bus."
"Owh that's not good," Matty says.
"Yeah. He's got a bad fever. Really really bad. He's really really not okay," I say. "Eh, guys. I need to talk something up with you all.... and Ben. Where's Ben?".
Cam leaves to get Ben. He comes back after few minutes with him. Now everyone is here. I take a deep breathe and try to collect all the words in my head and make a good clear sentence to come up with.
"I don't think Whak will make it to play today," I say. I close my eyes and hold my breathe. Waiting for their response.
But I hear nothing. They stay silence, frowning with their eyes glancing at each other.
"You can check his condition your self. I'm worried, if he play today, we might loose him for couple days ahead," I say.
Everybody nods. Understanding the situation.
"But we can't play without a lead guitarist. It's gonna be as bad as if we play without you. I can play his part but, whose gonna take my part?" Jake says.
I nod. "Yes, I know. But I've been considering it for awhile guys, before I talk this up with you. And, I think we can play without him."
I hear the boys are murmuring disagreements to each other. They look at me in disbelief.
"We can't, Jen. Don't be silly," snaps Cam.
I shake my head. "I know somebody who can help us out, to fill the unintended guitar parts."
I can hear everybody's saying "What?"
"Chris from I Call fives agreed to help us. I've talked to him earlier. I'm sorry guys, but this idea just came out that way," I say pleadingly.
Silence again. I know they're stunned in a state between shocked and disappointed because of me knowing this earlier than them and because I've figured out something to work out with without deliberate with them first. I feel bad about that. But regardless of everything, we have to play in less than 4 hours and a decision has to be made save this bad and unlikely situation, now or never.
"Guys?", I say.
Cam clears his throat. "Well, Jen. That's crazy. But if you're sure that's gonna work, I'm okay," he says.
"Aye. Me too. But I need to meet him as soon as possible, because guitar pairing needs chemistry and that's something that won't happen in an hour," Jake says.
I turn to Matty. "Matty, how about you?"
He nods. "If the rest of the guys agree, I agree".
"And you, Ben?", I raise an eyebrow.
Ben nods without expression. I know that all decisions depend on us, not him. So, he has to agree on everything we've decided.
I smile. There's a little relieve in my chest. "Thanks God. All right. I'm taking Chris here."
I walk back to I Call Fives' backstage trailer. I call Chris. He walks to my way with a big great smile.
"So? The guys okay?", he says.
I laugh. "Yes. Come with me."
I lead Chris to my band's backstage container. I don't know why but I'm sure he's blushing. It's kinda awkward but he's just so cute and I can't help smiling.
"Don't take Jeff's words about the kiss earlier seriously. He was just goofing around," suddenly Chris says.
I giggle. "Haha, I know dude."
Chris is so adorable and so friendly. I know that the guys will like him. I like him. We can be friends if we keep our selves in touch after all of these Warped tour matters ended.
"Guys, say hi to Chris," I say whilst entering the trailer.
The boys turns to me. Chris waves to them
"Woaah. G'day mate!", says Matty enthusiastically.
"Come in, mate," adds Cam.
Chris mingles with the boys easily. It's been only five minutes and they're laughing already. He practices some guitar parts with Jake. And they go along well. In normal circumstances, they can be friends.
***
It's 20 minutes before the show already. I'm getting too nervous as usual and Whak's not here, he's the one that always calms me down by giving me a "seriously?" look or just a simple nod. He's like my smile machine, my battery, I can't work well without him. I hold Cam's hand to ease the nerves. At least I still have the rest of the boys to calm me down.
Ben calls us to the stage. As always he checks our attendants, orders us to make a circle and gives us motivating statements. Awkwardly, Chris gets into the tiny circle and listens to Ben's words like we usually do. I smile discreetly.
And then here' we go. We spring out of the backstage, the crowd's screaming wildly. And Whak's not here to give me that nod that signs me to start the show. I hold the mic, my hands tremble. I reach my voice and shout.
"Hello guys! We're Tonight Alive from Sydney, Australia!".
***
The show went well. Chris played unbelievably good, some numbers of mistakes , but that was okay. Jake covered them with his lead parts. And the crowd likes them.
"That was sick, Chris!", says Jake on our way to the parking lot.
Chris laughs. "I don't know, dude. I made couples of mistakes."
"No, you killed it, mate. We can play together again someday," Jake says.
"Yes, of course. You have to hang with the rest of us sometime," Chris says brightly.
We arrive at the parking lot. The boys go straight to our bus. I decide to visit Jeff first at the I Call Fives' bus. I need to thank him as much as I can. Chris leads my way to his bus.
As we enter the I Call Fives' bus, Jeff appears from the bunks aisle. He sees me and walks to my way with a concerned look. I shake my head and smile to give him a sign that the show went well.
Jeff grabs my shoulders, "I'd kill my self if the show went bad!".
I look at him with a startled face. " Woah. Easy dude. It was awsooome! Your mate is a sick guitarist!", I say hysterically.
He pull his hands off me. Give me a weird look, exhales and smiles. I smile back.
"Dude, it was amazing! I have to thank you thousand times! No! I have to pay!", I say.
He shakes his head. "Pay me what?".
"Whatever you want!", I snap.
He laughs. "I'll think about that later then."
"Hurry up! I don't want to owe. I hate debts!", I say.
"Wow, slow down! You don't owe me, Jen!", he says.
Suddenly, I remember that Chris is still standing there behind me. I turn to him and laugh.
"And I owe you a kiss, dude," I say. I lean forward and kiss his cheek lightly and fast.
Chris blushing, and now the blush is more distinct that how it was before. I giggle.
***
Whak is still deep in his sleep, I'm sitting beside him on the bed. I stroke his hair with both of my hands, messing up with it a little bit and laugh. I miss his long hair. He used to be an emo guy, with long straightened hair and a lip ring, and of course, no mustache. Haha. He was just a dorky seventeen years old the first time I met him. I just can't forget that day.
Cam introduced me to him. I remember our first ever hand shake. I smiled to him nervously, but he didn't smile back. I didn't know what was wrong with him that moment, but then I found out he just don't like to smile if he's not ought to. And then he said that he had listened to my voice through the record that I had sent to him earlier and he liked it, he agreed that I can join his dorky band, haha. And he asked me whether he can listen to some other songs I have, and of course I said yes. I was so excited. I played my raw songs in front of him, he filled the hollow parts instantly. He was so good at guitar and piano. He fixed some messy parts from my songs and enrolled me to some local expo days, I rejected it, I just didn't want to play the songs that he helped work with alone. And he agreed to perform with me.
And there were hard days. When finally I decided to dropped out of school one year earlier to start to take my career in music seriously, he helped me talk with my parents, even when I couldn't stand it anymore to stay in my house with my raging parents, Whak picked me up with his skateboard and allowed me to stay in his place for couple of days until everything between me and my parents has cooled down. I cried on his pillow that night, he begged me to stop, and then he played me some dorky joke songs on his guitar, I couldn't help laughing and stopped crying. And that night I saw him smile for the very first time.
And now I look at his face. He looks so tired and uncomfortable. I wish I can do magic and cure him.
The day is old, but Warped Tour is still busy with all of the noise outside. Suddenly I feel kinda sleepy and tired. The bunks are empty, it means that the rest of the boys are hanging in the back lounge. Maybe it's gonna be fine if I just curl up here beside Whak. Drive away to sleep and share his bad dreams. But Whak moves slightly under his blanket and there he opens his eyes.
"Hi, dude. Feel better?", I smile lightly.
He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands, trying to collect consciousness. "Eh, I don't know," he says. He looks around the room and figures out that it's evening already from the sight from the pantry window. "Wait..., what time is it?".
"What?", all of a sudden something pops in my head.
"Jenna, did you?", he says.
I'm afraid now. "Did I what?".
He frowns, takes a glance once again to the pantry window. "Did you guys play without me?", he asks with suspicion. "Jenna!", he snaps high-toned. He throws his blanket to the floor and pushed me out of the bunk and jumps to the aisle.
"Whak, wait!", I squeak. "It was for your good! Whak, listen!".
He walks to the back lounge, stomping his legs hardly to the floor. He opens the lounge curtain abruptly. "Did you morons play without me?!", he shouts.
Everybody's startled and stay out of words. I jump to him and grab his arm. He's still got fever.
"Whak! Listen!", I say.
He turns his head to me. " What Jen? What the fuck is happening here! How could you do this to me? How? New guitarist? How?! Tell me!", he shouts.
I look at Jake through Whak's shoulder. Jake shakes his head. It's only gonna worsen this situation if I tell Whak about Chris. I just can't lie. Should I lie to my own best friend?
"Speak, Jen!", he shout even louder, I can hear rage in his tone.
My body is trembling out of fear. Well, it's not fear, it's something else I can't define. "Well, Whak.."
"Yes? Somebody took my place, right? RIGHT?! How can you guys?! I thought that we're agreed that we won't leave anyone behind! Why?!", he shouts to the boys, it's something he's never done before.
It's not right. The boys aren't guilty. "Whak! It was me! I'm the one who made the whole plan and decision!".
He looks into my eyes with rage. "Fuck, Jenna! Fuck you!", he swears.
I am shocked. He has never said that thing right to my face before. And I thought he won't, forever. My eyes are burning. I'm ready to cry.
"How could you? You make me feel useless! How could you!", he shouts again, again and again. His voice breaks into rasp harsh bray. He controls his breath. Looks down to the floor and says, "I think I'll just go."
"No! I'll go!", I say. Before he could make any move, I walk away and get out of the bus.
I can't hold back my tears any longer. I cry my lungs out. I cover my face with both of my hands and walk wobbly to the iron barricade in the end of the parking lot. I don't know where to go. The last band of today is playing. In less than 2 hours we have to leave to the next city on a 3 days drive. But I know there's no way I can go back to the bus.
Maybe this is it. Maybe I should go.
I can see a golf cart slowly entering the parking lot. And guess what, it carries I Call Fives's band members and crews. It carries Jeff and Chis. I stare at them for a second, but Jeff coincidentally catches my eyes. NO!
I turn my head, cover my face. Jeff walks approaching me . No. He can't. He can't see me like this. He touches my shoulder. I freeze.
"Hey, Jen. Hey, why are you outside?", he says.
I refuse to speak, I refuse to face him. I shake my head with my back against him.
"Jen? You alright? Hey! Why do you cover your face? Hey look at me," he says anxiously.
My tears run down my face. My body is shaking. All I need now is a shoulder to cry.
"Jen?", he says. He gently grabs my shoulders and turns my body facing him. He pulls both of my hands off of my face.
I lock my eyes to the ground. Avoiding his gaze.
"You alright, Jen?", he asks. Weeps my wet cheeks and puts on a concerned look.
I nod. "Yes."
"No, you're not," he pushes my chin up.
I look into his eyes hesitantly. "I'm alright, dude."
He frowns. "Well, I'll walk you to your bus."
"NO!", I scream frantically.
"Why?!", he says.
I shake my head. "Just no." My tears coming out again.
"You're crying, Jen? Hey, look at me," he says. Pushes a strand of my hair out of my eyes.
Yes. I'm crying, harder than ever. The thoughts of loosing Whak forever is killing me, slicing my guts, I'm breathless. I try so hard not to make any sound. I'm squeaking like a choked rat.
"Come here." He spreads his arms and embraces me gently. Pats my back to calm my down.
I push my face against his chest. Soaking his shirt with my never ending tears. Trembling, quivering. Wet from tears and sweats. I'm a mess. I really don't want him to see me like this. But all I need now is a friend. I'm grateful I have him now. I don't know what will possibly happen if I've never met him, or even got to know him.
He holds me tighter. And what funny is, I feel comfortable. He should be still a stranger to me, but I don't feel like it now. I find warmth in him. Warmth that reminds me of Whak. Oh no, Whak.
"Let's go. You can stay in our bus," he says.
I nod. He holds my hand and walk me to his bus.
Everybody stuns when they see me entering their bus with my chin down and my back hunched, looking desperate and sad. My face is red and my eyes are puffy. Jeff embraces his arm around my shoulder so I can hide my face. We walk to the back lounge. Everyone stays in silence.
I sit down on the back lounge couch while he's closing the curtain. He sits by my side and gives me a clean napkin to weep my tears.
"Now, tell me," he says, looking into my eyes intensely.
I take a deep breath. I'm not sure if I have to tell him the whole situation that is happening. But, I think he's a trustworthy and it's gonna be just fine. "Whak is mad at me."
He sighs hardly. "Mad at you?"
I nod. "He's angry. Furious. I've never seen him like that before."
"Now way!", he says.
"Yes!", I insist.
"No. It's my fault, no. I should talk to him," he says, sets himself ready to stand up and leave to meet Whak in the bus.
I grab his hand. "No, Jeff. You tried to help. No."
He sighs again. Give me a sorry look. No, he shouldn't be sorry for anything. He tried to help and that's it. Whak is just disappointed and it's all my fault. I made him feel useless, which does make no sense to me. Why should he feel useless? He deserves a rest, and he's terribly sick!
I spend the night talking to Jeff. He tries so hard to make me laugh. But I'm just too depressed to laugh. I end up tired and fall to the couch, my head on his lap. He pats my hair to sleep.
I don't know if it's right to say that... in this terrible situation... he makes me feel.. safe and sound.
End of part 4
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