Rants, Vents, Angst

It's gonna be a really butthurt post...

From the outside I may look friendly, silly and normal. But actually I'm a little bit hard inside. Sometimes I just want to kill my self, stab my self. I over-think everything. And that's not cool, I know.

It's just pretty normal. Everybody has two different sides. It's called alter-ego or something. I've met my alter ego long time ago. She's ugly, stinky and really grumpy. She's hideous and she hates everything.

And what's bad about her?

She controls me every time I try to sleep, every time I'm alone and need to shut my brain. She's annoying. That's why sometimes I just need to drown my self in thoughts, just to communicate with her, what does she want from me?

I wanna be bright and cheerful, I wanna be a caring person that everybody likes. I don't wanna be different, I just wanna be the same. I want to say "hi" to everyone and let them smile to me. That's what I want. But she gives me these negative vibes along the way.

She makes me hate my self, hate people, apathetic, yell to my parents, hurt my friends, brag, procrastinate, underestimate things, and mostly keeps me up when I'm trying to sleep.

So I wrote these one night, it wasn't me actually, it was my alter-ego. She pushed my brain to write this. And that's the only way I can get her out of me. It's the only way I can be alone my my self and sleep.

CONFUSED

When you think you do the best is falling apart

You don't have nothing to say or give away

It's just you and your stupid opinion standing right there between your head and heart

Am I really gifted?

Am I really that talented of impressing people like everyone else?

No I'm not and I know that. 

I'm just a kid, yeah, that's what people are singing about

I love what I do but what do I actually do?

Some say that your dream is not big enough if you're not feeling like quitting

I'm about to quit and scatter this dream apart but is this really reachable?

As long as I can remember it's inconceivable. 

Well, I come to this night when I stay up alone

Turn up my music, try to blow my ears

Just for tonight I'll figure out my self

Who I wanna be, who I'm going to be

I'm not good at anything that's why I'm singing

I'm not good at arranging decent lines of words

My fingers are stiff, my throat is sick, my mind is bleak

Some say that your dream is not big enough if you're not feeling like quitting....

ANGRY

I'm angry, I can't even sleep

With these four walls surrounding me

I can't stand the feeling of anxiety

I'm 17 and so bored stiff to death

I should wake up tomorrow doing the shit all over again

Facing everything that I have grown to hate

Until I'm going to bed

And this town is bringing me down

With all of the hectic traffic and music with no sound

This song is as dark as I can be now

Trying to close my eyes even just for a while

All my life has been spent trying to write self-help things

But I couldn't find it right

I can't help my self, I can't help my life

I'm just angry. 

Sorry it's kinda lame and boring. I sound pretty much like a hipster, ugh, I hate that. But where else can I share these? 

Just blame my boredom. This blog is getting more atrocious than I thought. 

See you on the next post.