Setting: Sydney, Australia
Author: Me
Well, it's been awhile since the the last time I went outside. The boys have been calling me these past few days. I know that I should've called them back and tell them that I'm okay. But, I'm just not okay.
First, I'm having this kind of problem with my throat, my voice sounds terrible I can't even sing. And it's obvious that I'm not going to rehearse anytime soon. Warped Tour will be off its head in like, two weeks, but I haven't attended any rehearsal yet. Whak will be mad at me. No, I know that he's mad at me now. I can picture his angry face in my head, with that mustache on, I don't know if I'm aloud to laugh now. He's just hilarious.
Second, I'm having this kind of problem with my boyfriend, Matt. We had a big fight last week and I haven't had any message from him, or calls, or, at least something that tells me that he's okay and sorry. Just. nothing. Everybody has been telling me that he's just taking advantages from my fame, and my band's ascending popularity, but I believe he's not that kind of guy.
The last thing is, I think I'm just tired. I love my job, I love the boys, the fans, everything about what I'm doing. But I'm just tired. I need a break. These past two years has been so hectic. Non-stop tours, writing, recording, interviews. Sometimes I need a little space to breathe, just to enjoy my self alone. Well, actually I'm kinda missing the boys right now. But I'll have enough time to be spent with them at the Warped Tour. And I don't think they need me during this one month off, except for rehearsals.
I turn on my computer. Just for checking. Twitter has been so crowded by mentions lately. Seems like every girl is talking about how cool my hair was. I like that though. If I can thank them for all of their compliments, I will. But I just don't know how to do that without sounding like an attention bitch. Well, there's one direct message. Duh, it's from Whak.
"WHERE ARE YOU????? DIE??"
Haha. I just laugh. From all of the boys, Whak is the most annoying one for me. He always be so protective, grumpy, snappy. He always be the one that shouts angrily everytime I do something stupid or coming late to a band practice. It's okay though. Sometimes he's so caring, just like a big brother to me, or even a father. But, I wonder, if he's really looking for me right now, why doesn't he just come here, to my house and pick me up?
And yes, I hear somebody's knocking the door. It must be him. I drag my feet on the floor and open the door.
His face is full of rage, red, frowned.
"Hi, dude!", I say innocently.
"Hi? You said hi? Where have you been? We need to practice for the Warped Tour you stupid!", he says madly.
"I'm sorry. I just..."
"You just what?! Let's go, get your jacket and we'll go, now!"
"What? Now? I need to shower, eat.. and...", I say.
"No time for that!", he shouts. He's absolutely angry now.
"Dude, it's just.. it's just. My throat is fucked up you know. I can't sing right now," I say. Trying to make an excuse.
"Shit. Jen. What's happening to you? You used to sing whatever happens to your freaking throat. You even sing when you got a severe cold and.. and a tonsillitis! You sound okay right now. I'm sure it's not a big deal," he says, a little bit pleadingly.
I look down. Don't want to see his reddish face. "Well, actually... I'm sorry. I just need a break. You know."
"A break? Come on, it's not even you. You don't need a break," he says.
And I can feel his hand pushing me back to my room. We sit down on my bed side by side. Just like what we always do every time we need to talk something up.
"Just tell me. Spill it," he asks.
"It's a little bit cheesy. Well, I had this fight with Matt," I answer reluctantly.
Whak frowns. "Matty?"
I shake my head and laugh lightly. "Not our Matty. It's Matt. My boyfriend."
He laughs. "Thank God, I thought that he's a man now."
I shove his his body hard. "What do you mean by that?!"
We laugh together. I can see his face lighten. Now I know that this is the right time to just spill it to him. He's my best friend, what's the worst thing that can happen?
I clear my throat and start to speak. "Well, Whak. People has been telling me that Matt is just taking advantages out of me, I mean, us."
He frowns. "It's my turn. What do you mean by that?".
I look down again. "You know. Agh. I don't know how to explain you this without sounding so... biggy," I sigh.
"Okay, okay. I get it. Taking advantages from your... popularity? To keep his band floats?", he guesses.
I nod. "Well, yeah, pretty much like that."
He chuckles. "Haha, Jenna, so what's the big deal? Well, I don't know him, but you know him. So, what was the fighting about?".
"Because, I always think that he's not that kind of guy, but all of the evidences say otherwise," I say desperately.
He exhales hardly. "Fuck that then. If those evidences are true, he's fucked".
"What do you mean he's fucked?", I ask.
"It's not your own popularity that he's taking advantages from. It's ours. So... five against one? He's fucked. Haha," he answers.
I laugh silently. In some cases, I know I'm lucky I have him. "Well, Whak, I think I need to see him and talk. Just to clear things up."
"You sure? Alright then. I'll drop you off. Let's go."
"Let's go!"
***
We get into his car. As always, Thrice is played out loud. Whak has been a die-hard fan of Thrice since he was like.. I don't know, but it's been like as long as I can remember. Lol.
Once he starts the engine, I'm feeling like I'm about to sleep. The sound of his car running and the smell of his car seats are really familiar to me, it always calms me down and makes me feel sleepy.
"Wake me up when we're there, okay dude?", I ask.
He nods lightly without turning his head off of the road. And then I rolled to my side and sleep.
Thirty minutes later, we're already in the other part of the Sydney suburbs. The car stops gently just right after I opened my eyes. Whak nudges my elbow to wake me up.
"Hemm. I'm awake," I say. I stretch my back and rub my eyes, just to sober up from my hollow sleep.
"I'm leaving you here. Call me when you need a ride back home, just in case," he says.
"Yep. I will," I say and then get out of his car immediately.
I can see Whak's car drives away, leaving me alone in front of Matt's house. I pull my self together, take a deep breathe and then drag my feet all the way across the front yard to the door and knock it.
I can hear somebody's walking towards the door. I brace my self. I know that I need to talk this up. If this is really need to be ended, then end it is. There's something more important in my life than this toxic relationship.
Matt opens the door. He looks high and I can smell alcohol in his breath.
"Well, it's only 5pm and you're drunk," I say harshly.
His face turned annoyed. He's absolutely not expecting me coming this afternoon. "Jenna.. Hi. Come in," he says.
I step in. His house is a disaster. Full of amplifiers, drum snares, cigarette ash, guitars, surf boards. Well, it's not the first time I ever entered a boy's house, but I'm certain that Whak's place is not this creepy.
"I'm sorry, I don't know you're coming. Why don't you call me first?," he says.
I shake my head. "To surprise you."
He laugh. "You always surprise me, Honey." He leans forward to kiss me, but I push him back. I can't stand the smell of alcohol in his breath.
"You're high as hell. You need to shower, just to sobers up," I push him to the bathroom. He resisted.
"I'm not taking shower, Jenna. I'm sober as fuck!" he shouts.
I look into his eyes. Full of more inquiries than rage. "You're shouting at me. You're high."
"I'm not high! And I don't want any fights right now!" he continues to shout.
"I don't either. Well, listen. I need to talk right now. Talk!"
Matt looks startled. "What do you want to talk about? I thought that everything is clear."
I shake my head. "No, no, Matt. It's not clear. Our last fight was awakening for me. We're not alright."
"No. No, Jen. What's wrong with us?", he says.
"It's just. The idea of us together is not healthy anymore. It's like, you want something from me. It's not love. It's something different," I take a breath and continue. "It's something that makes you mad every time I didn't introduce you as my boyfriend in parties, or I didn't say what you want me to say every time there's a question about my love life in an interview."
Matt looks downward. Avoiding my gaze. "Well, it's not what you think, Jen. I just want everybody to know that you're mine. That's it."
I push his chin up so I can see his face. "Perhaps that's true. But I will show the world that I'm yours even when you're not asking it. I will. You just have to believe me."
I sigh desperately. Walk backwards and sit on the floor. Try to make up my mind. I know that in some point he's right. He's my boyfriend and it's important for everybody to know that. I feel bad now.
"I believe in you, Jen. Sure I do. I just don't think that you believe in me," he says. He sits down on the floor by my side. Grabs my hand, and I look at him.
"I believe in you. It's just, you need to try harder. Because, I made songs about you, it's just unbelievable if I'm not in love with you. But these last few weeks just hard for me. For us. I think I need a little break," I say. Collecting all my guts, waiting for his response.
I can see his face hardens. Confused. "A break? You mean? Break up?".
I shake my head. "No. We're not breaking up. Just, a break. For a little while. I'm off to Warped Tour next month, I just need to get my head out of this, you know".
He looks in to my eyes. Trying to speak something. "Jen..."
"Well, I'm calling Whak to pick me up now. You better get to shower. I'm not leaving you high as fuck like this, go go go!" I get up off the floor and help him stabilize and drive him straight to the bathroom.
***
I wait for Whak to come while Matt is in the bathroom. I'm having this little pain inside my chest. My conscience tells me that I don't want to hurt him. What I said to him earlier was heartbreaking. But, I need to set my guard up for a while. Just, until I'm sure that he's not taking any advantages out of our relationship and all he want is love, and that's it.
I take a deep breathe. I know I'm not good at this. This romance and stuffs. I hate this now. I'm not blaming my band for being big and popular at all, it's just me. Maybe it's better for me to just focused. Leave these matters behind, write more songs, touring... yeah. That's it.
It's been only ten minutes but I can hear Whak's car honking outside. Matt is still in the bathroom but I should leave now.
So I step out, leaving Matt behind. Something inside of me shivers. I love this boy. For sure. But I know that from the first step I make out of his house, that everything's going to be different. I'm not holding on on an uncertainty.
I get into Whak's car again. Thrice is playing. Whak's watching me settling my seat belt like I was a kid who just stole something from an old lady. I look back at him and frown.
"What?", I say.
"So fast. Was it that bad?"
I laugh slightly. "Yes. It was that bad."
He starts the engine and I lean back to my seat. Inhaling his car's scent. My head is foggy from crazy thoughts.
"So you're feeling better now, eh?", he asks.
"Not that better actually. I feel bad for him," I answer.
"Why?", he turns his head to me.
"I said that we need a little break-"
"You're breaking up?!", he shouts.
"Chill, dude. Not that breaking up. Just a break. We're going to get back together when I'm ready, and ensured," I say.
He chuckles. "I thought that you're that manned up. Haha."
"No, of course. He makes me happy sometimes. It's just hard....," It's crazy all of a sudden I'm about to cry.
"Jen? You're okay?", he asks.
I roll to my side. Facing the window. Try to clear my head. I'm not going to cry in front of Whak. I'm not. Why should I cry? But I feel really bad right now. Really really bad. I haven't cried since I was, like 15. And I tried to cry last week, after the fight, but I just couldn't.
"We're going to get some Taro milk alright?", Whak says.
My heart's warmed after he said that. I love Taro milk. It boosts my mood, it's my favorite drink. Whak knows me more than I thought.
"Alright," I say lightly.
"You're gonna be fine, Jen. You're a tough girl. The toughest person I've ever known. I don't think there's any other girl out there that can stand it playing in a band with four stinky dudes like you do," he says brightly.
His words fix me. I just feel fine now. I roll to my other side, facing him. He looks down at me and smile.
"When is the rehearsal?", I ask.
Whak laughs. "Whenever you want."
I smile. "Tomorrow, okay?"
"Alllllright!"
I look at him. I'm not gonna make it without this guy. I know that as long as I have Whak beside me, I will be safe and sound.
(End of Part 1)
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